Friday, December 30, 2005
Good Riddance, 2005
So how many other bloggers are writing something with a similar theme today? I suspect the majority of us are blogging because of some sort of unresolved angst, whatever the cause. And that angst makes me anxious to move on to the new year.
At the stroke of midnight, I am closing the door on the Year of the Infertility Treatment. Appropriate, because I got myself into all this thanks to my 2005 resolution to figure out if we were just wasting our time trying to get/stay pregnant. I never really intended to get on the emotional roller coaster that is fertility treatments, but I did and now I'm facing the consequences, the emotional fallout, of being unsuccessful. I'm 44 now...it's ridiculous to think of continuing. What I've learned from this is that I should have stuck to the conviction I had all those years that childfree was the right thing for me. It was the act of changing my mind that took me into this minefield of regrets.
No, it's NOT better to have loved and lost...
At the stroke of midnight, I am closing the door on the Year of the Infertility Treatment. Appropriate, because I got myself into all this thanks to my 2005 resolution to figure out if we were just wasting our time trying to get/stay pregnant. I never really intended to get on the emotional roller coaster that is fertility treatments, but I did and now I'm facing the consequences, the emotional fallout, of being unsuccessful. I'm 44 now...it's ridiculous to think of continuing. What I've learned from this is that I should have stuck to the conviction I had all those years that childfree was the right thing for me. It was the act of changing my mind that took me into this minefield of regrets.
No, it's NOT better to have loved and lost...
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
What means this, "Woman from Mars"?
It's an awkward moment: I have to decide if I'm writing this blog just for myself, as a kind of electronic diary, or if I make the leap and figure someone who doesn't know me will read it and be in need of some background information.
But if this is nothing more than an electronic diary, why am I even putting it on the web? I could just as easily keep a journal in Word. I may invite some other folks to read this some day, and there's always a chance someone might stumble onto it.
So...allow me to introduce myself.
I am a woman from Mars...referring, of course, to the Mars/Venus stereotype. I tend to communicate more like what is typically in a "male" style and often have a hard time relating to other women. (Interestingly enough, my husband shows a lot of Venus tendencies himself -- maybe that's why we've been together for 25 years and happily married for 16).
This realization struck me a few months ago when I realized I have very few close female friends, and those who I do feel close to all live in other parts of the country. We communicate primarily, even exclusively, through e-mail. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how little I have in common with what is stereotypically "female":
But if this is nothing more than an electronic diary, why am I even putting it on the web? I could just as easily keep a journal in Word. I may invite some other folks to read this some day, and there's always a chance someone might stumble onto it.
So...allow me to introduce myself.
I am a woman from Mars...referring, of course, to the Mars/Venus stereotype. I tend to communicate more like what is typically in a "male" style and often have a hard time relating to other women. (Interestingly enough, my husband shows a lot of Venus tendencies himself -- maybe that's why we've been together for 25 years and happily married for 16).
This realization struck me a few months ago when I realized I have very few close female friends, and those who I do feel close to all live in other parts of the country. We communicate primarily, even exclusively, through e-mail. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how little I have in common with what is stereotypically "female":
- I have no children and feel incredibly alienated when others talk about their little darlings (more about this later when I get into posting about fertility/infertility).
- I hate shopping. Want to torture me? Make me spend the afternoon wandering from store to store in a mall.
- Related to the point above, I don't have much of an interest in fashion, cosmetics, etc.
- I am a very private person and don't like talking about myself or my feelings -- but I DO like writing and find I can address my thoughts and feeling through that channel...hence, this blog
- I don't follow celebrities and can't relate to celebrity gossip (Jennifer and Brad, or Brad and Angelina, or Jennifer and whoever - who cares!). I can't understand why a lot of women get so wrapped up in this.
- Even more than that, I can't understand why a lot of women gossip about each other so unmercilessly. Why do I want to get wrapped up in a group of people who are going to talk about me like that when I'm not present?
- I DO like sports -- I love to watch a football game while knocking back a couple of cold brewskis. And it wouldn't be beyond me to enjoy a nice Cuban, either. So put me back on the planet Mars. Or at least let me hang out in front of the TV with the guys, instead of expecting me to be happy in the kitchen with the women.
Well, that's a little bit about me. More to come in future posts.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Double 4's
A week ago today I turned 44. Getting older never used to bother me, but now I feel so firmly entrenched in middle age. There's just something about that double number 4-4. And no longer being in my "early 40s" but now very in my "middle 40s".
Who am I kidding, every part of this mid-life crisis has to do with age-realted infertility. If I could turn back the clock and live just one thing differently, that's what it would be. Back in the days when I felt I didn't want a child and thought I never would, I never worried about getting older. To the contrary, I was proud of turning 40. Now I feel like something important in life has passed me by, and I can feel the passage of time starting to speed up. It only gets worse from here. At least that's what the old folks tell me.
Who am I kidding, every part of this mid-life crisis has to do with age-realted infertility. If I could turn back the clock and live just one thing differently, that's what it would be. Back in the days when I felt I didn't want a child and thought I never would, I never worried about getting older. To the contrary, I was proud of turning 40. Now I feel like something important in life has passed me by, and I can feel the passage of time starting to speed up. It only gets worse from here. At least that's what the old folks tell me.
Monday, December 26, 2005
The Emperor's Old Clothes
What do you do when someone sends you a gift and you call to thank them...only to learn they sent it as a gag gift because they thought it was hideous?
Our friends T & J moved to a western state a few years ago. We still talk to them often, see them occasionally and exchange gifts at the holidays. So I wasn't surprised when UPS left a package from them a couple of days before Christmas. Inside, we found a set of champagne glasses with really long stems of different colors. The glasses all rest inside a large glass vase so that the effect is that of flowers. I thought it was pretty cool, and T knows I love glassware, especially unusual glassware.
So we talked to them yesterday and I thanked T with much sincerity for the set. His response: "You're kidding, right?" He went on to say that our real gift was a bit delayed but he thought in the meantime, we would get a good laugh out of the long-stemmed glasses that he had received from a business supplier last year and regifted to us as a joke. I told him, no, I really did like them. I think he didn't want to believe me.
At this moment, my feelings about both T and the glassware are a bit tainted.
Our friends T & J moved to a western state a few years ago. We still talk to them often, see them occasionally and exchange gifts at the holidays. So I wasn't surprised when UPS left a package from them a couple of days before Christmas. Inside, we found a set of champagne glasses with really long stems of different colors. The glasses all rest inside a large glass vase so that the effect is that of flowers. I thought it was pretty cool, and T knows I love glassware, especially unusual glassware.
So we talked to them yesterday and I thanked T with much sincerity for the set. His response: "You're kidding, right?" He went on to say that our real gift was a bit delayed but he thought in the meantime, we would get a good laugh out of the long-stemmed glasses that he had received from a business supplier last year and regifted to us as a joke. I told him, no, I really did like them. I think he didn't want to believe me.
At this moment, my feelings about both T and the glassware are a bit tainted.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Woman From Mars
This is my blog. I don't know if anyone will ever read this besides myself. If you do, you're liable to find entries on the following topics:
- Fertility and infertility
- Adoption and being adopted
- Turning middle-aged
- Travel
- Relating to friends and family and why this can be difficult for me
- Anything I feel like...after all, this is MY blog. But your comments are always welcome. I just can't promise I'll reply to them all the time.
It's Christmas Eve and I should be doing just about anything other than sitting at the PC right now...my first official post will have to come at another time.
