Sunday, December 31, 2006
Closing the Door on an Unfortunate Year
We've come full circle. A year ago today, I sat here and typed a good riddance to 2005. Little did I know that 2006 would become the worst year of my life. At least, the worst year yet.
In my last entry, I was about to undergo a D&C. That was only one of a series of unfortunate events that consumed the latter months of '06.
The same day I wrote my last post, my mom called with news that my dad had fallen and was so weak he had to be hospitalized. It was the beginning of the end for him, and ended up being the last day he would ever be in his own home. He spent the next couple of months going between the hospital and a nursing home. The end came for him 11 weeks later, when he died at 12:25 a.m. on Friday, Oct. 20.
But, that was not the only unfortunate event in the second half of my 2006. My husband (unsuccessfully) attempted to have an affair with a neighbor. This happened on Sept. 11, a date that all of us remember for obvious reasons, but now I have an extra reason that this day will live in infamy in my memory. Maybe I'll post more about this incident and why I believe he did what he did some day, but for the moment, suffice it to say that for various reasons, I have forgiven him. It boils down to the fact that I need him in my life too much. And to be honest, I can sort of relate to why he did what he did. Still, there's a wound in my heart that hasn't entirely healed and maybe never will.
Another unfortunate event that closed 2006: My dad's illness and death accelerated mental problems my mom had been having, related to dementia and anxiety. It's become clear that she can no longer live on her own. She's still living in her remote and rural town, 600 miles away from me, but in the residential care facility connected with the nursing home my dad was in. As much as she wants to go back to her house and believes she will do just that soon, she has to stay in some sort of assisted living situation. And for the time being, that situation is the residential care facility. It's not a perfect solution, but for now it will have to do while I explore other options. No, one of those options does NOT include having her move in with us. But now I find myself in the position of the parent and she is the child, while I manage her affairs long distance.
We also had some minor health scares with both of my in-laws. In comparison, nothing serious, and if they keep going like they're going, they will continue to live healthy for years to come. But I know what we went through with my dad is something we'll have to go through three more times. I suppose we've been fortunate to have had all four of our parents for as long as we did...most people our age lost at least one of their parents and/or in-laws years earlier...but it was stressful enough that I hope we don't go through this again any time soon.
And of course, there was my miscarriage that contributed to the foul nature of the year as well. I'm trying to recall those feelings of why I didn't want kids all those years so that I may never again feel longings to be a parent. I'm not a religious person. If I was, I might be tempted to say that a higher power has given me my mom to care for instead of a baby. Because I'm not religious, we won't even go there.
I could say that I have my job and my health to be thankful for. Except there are issues in both of those camps as well. Earlier this month, my company announced the cuts of 120 jobs. Mine wasn't one of them, but I can envision a scenario down the road in which I could be eliminated. My husband wants me to get my resume out there now, but after close to two decades with the same company, I have benefits of longevity on the job that would be difficult to give up. I get almost five weeks of vacation a year...I don't think I could ever go back to just two or three, at least not until I had to by force. Even more importantly, I feel the position I have right now truly is the right fit for me. The thought of moving on is difficult.
And as for my health, I had an inner ear problem that plagued me from late October until just a couple of weeks ago. It's possible it was even a psychomatic reaction to all the stress I faced from August onward. But now that that has cleared up, I find myself with different problems in the form of aches and pains in my joints and muscles that are making me wonder what else is going on in my body that could be a sign of serious illness. It could be the onset of arthristis, but it's seemed to come on so suddenly. Hopefully nothing more than additional psychomatic stress reactions, but this will bear watching over the next several weeks.
So, that was my Horrible 2006 in Review. I opened this posting by saying it was my worst year yet. I think I've come to understand that after a certain age, we no longer have long runs of time where everything is wonderful, followed by brief bursts of misery. I think misery becomes more frequent and expected, and the sign of maturity is being able to take it as it gets dished out. The interesting thing about my father's passing is that it gave me something tangile to be sad about, and everyone around me expected me to be sad. It was kind of freeing in a way, this opportunity for public sadness.
So, on this New Year's Eve, I do not close the door on an awful year with the optimism that next year will be so much better. No, I close the door on an awful year, and open the door to 2007 with the wisdom that I (hope I) will be able to muster the strength to tackle what lies ahead. It may not be pretty, but it will be what it is.
In my last entry, I was about to undergo a D&C. That was only one of a series of unfortunate events that consumed the latter months of '06.
The same day I wrote my last post, my mom called with news that my dad had fallen and was so weak he had to be hospitalized. It was the beginning of the end for him, and ended up being the last day he would ever be in his own home. He spent the next couple of months going between the hospital and a nursing home. The end came for him 11 weeks later, when he died at 12:25 a.m. on Friday, Oct. 20.
But, that was not the only unfortunate event in the second half of my 2006. My husband (unsuccessfully) attempted to have an affair with a neighbor. This happened on Sept. 11, a date that all of us remember for obvious reasons, but now I have an extra reason that this day will live in infamy in my memory. Maybe I'll post more about this incident and why I believe he did what he did some day, but for the moment, suffice it to say that for various reasons, I have forgiven him. It boils down to the fact that I need him in my life too much. And to be honest, I can sort of relate to why he did what he did. Still, there's a wound in my heart that hasn't entirely healed and maybe never will.
Another unfortunate event that closed 2006: My dad's illness and death accelerated mental problems my mom had been having, related to dementia and anxiety. It's become clear that she can no longer live on her own. She's still living in her remote and rural town, 600 miles away from me, but in the residential care facility connected with the nursing home my dad was in. As much as she wants to go back to her house and believes she will do just that soon, she has to stay in some sort of assisted living situation. And for the time being, that situation is the residential care facility. It's not a perfect solution, but for now it will have to do while I explore other options. No, one of those options does NOT include having her move in with us. But now I find myself in the position of the parent and she is the child, while I manage her affairs long distance.
We also had some minor health scares with both of my in-laws. In comparison, nothing serious, and if they keep going like they're going, they will continue to live healthy for years to come. But I know what we went through with my dad is something we'll have to go through three more times. I suppose we've been fortunate to have had all four of our parents for as long as we did...most people our age lost at least one of their parents and/or in-laws years earlier...but it was stressful enough that I hope we don't go through this again any time soon.
And of course, there was my miscarriage that contributed to the foul nature of the year as well. I'm trying to recall those feelings of why I didn't want kids all those years so that I may never again feel longings to be a parent. I'm not a religious person. If I was, I might be tempted to say that a higher power has given me my mom to care for instead of a baby. Because I'm not religious, we won't even go there.
I could say that I have my job and my health to be thankful for. Except there are issues in both of those camps as well. Earlier this month, my company announced the cuts of 120 jobs. Mine wasn't one of them, but I can envision a scenario down the road in which I could be eliminated. My husband wants me to get my resume out there now, but after close to two decades with the same company, I have benefits of longevity on the job that would be difficult to give up. I get almost five weeks of vacation a year...I don't think I could ever go back to just two or three, at least not until I had to by force. Even more importantly, I feel the position I have right now truly is the right fit for me. The thought of moving on is difficult.
And as for my health, I had an inner ear problem that plagued me from late October until just a couple of weeks ago. It's possible it was even a psychomatic reaction to all the stress I faced from August onward. But now that that has cleared up, I find myself with different problems in the form of aches and pains in my joints and muscles that are making me wonder what else is going on in my body that could be a sign of serious illness. It could be the onset of arthristis, but it's seemed to come on so suddenly. Hopefully nothing more than additional psychomatic stress reactions, but this will bear watching over the next several weeks.
So, that was my Horrible 2006 in Review. I opened this posting by saying it was my worst year yet. I think I've come to understand that after a certain age, we no longer have long runs of time where everything is wonderful, followed by brief bursts of misery. I think misery becomes more frequent and expected, and the sign of maturity is being able to take it as it gets dished out. The interesting thing about my father's passing is that it gave me something tangile to be sad about, and everyone around me expected me to be sad. It was kind of freeing in a way, this opportunity for public sadness.
So, on this New Year's Eve, I do not close the door on an awful year with the optimism that next year will be so much better. No, I close the door on an awful year, and open the door to 2007 with the wisdom that I (hope I) will be able to muster the strength to tackle what lies ahead. It may not be pretty, but it will be what it is.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
While I Was Away...
We haven't had a working PC in the house since the first of July. Makes it difficult to be a good blogger. But now I have a laptop and free wi-fi, courtesy of our public library.
An interesting thing happened about the same time we lost use of our computer:
I found myself unexpectedly, but joyously, pregnant at age 44.
It seemed like it might actually go well this time. An ultrasound at 6 weeks showed that this definitely would not be a blighted ovum, meaning I got further along this time than I ever had before. Hubby and I dared to get a little hopeful.
The next sonogram, 10 days later, made our hope premature. No heartbeat was found. Although the doctor was neither encouraged nor encouraging, my hCG levels were still increasing nicely so he said to give it one more week.
Unfortunately, the ultrasound last Monday revealed NO heartbeat, NO fetal pole and a yolk sac that appeared to be distintegrating.
My D&C is scheduled for first thing tomorrow morning.
They let me wait a week before the procedure. You see, we had out-of-town houseguests: my husband's parents. We didn't want to let them know what was going on. They are very, very religious in a born-again christian kind of way. I am anything but religious. Agnostic that I am, I knew I would not be able to take their "god's will" approach. The last thing I want is for someone to be praying for me and my dead baby around the dinner table.
An interesting side note related to their being here: it's been a distraction that has kept me from feeling sad about this. I thought at first, it would be difficult to put on m "happy face" for the duration of their visit. But, I truly haven't had time to sit around and feel sad. They departed earlier and my husband is at work. But, I'm too busy cleaning up the house, and now figuring out this new laptop, to think much about it.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Will it hit me full-force then? When my hormone levels crash, will it hit me head-on? Or am I numb, beyond feeling the pain?
An interesting thing happened about the same time we lost use of our computer:
I found myself unexpectedly, but joyously, pregnant at age 44.
It seemed like it might actually go well this time. An ultrasound at 6 weeks showed that this definitely would not be a blighted ovum, meaning I got further along this time than I ever had before. Hubby and I dared to get a little hopeful.
The next sonogram, 10 days later, made our hope premature. No heartbeat was found. Although the doctor was neither encouraged nor encouraging, my hCG levels were still increasing nicely so he said to give it one more week.
Unfortunately, the ultrasound last Monday revealed NO heartbeat, NO fetal pole and a yolk sac that appeared to be distintegrating.
My D&C is scheduled for first thing tomorrow morning.
They let me wait a week before the procedure. You see, we had out-of-town houseguests: my husband's parents. We didn't want to let them know what was going on. They are very, very religious in a born-again christian kind of way. I am anything but religious. Agnostic that I am, I knew I would not be able to take their "god's will" approach. The last thing I want is for someone to be praying for me and my dead baby around the dinner table.
An interesting side note related to their being here: it's been a distraction that has kept me from feeling sad about this. I thought at first, it would be difficult to put on m "happy face" for the duration of their visit. But, I truly haven't had time to sit around and feel sad. They departed earlier and my husband is at work. But, I'm too busy cleaning up the house, and now figuring out this new laptop, to think much about it.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Will it hit me full-force then? When my hormone levels crash, will it hit me head-on? Or am I numb, beyond feeling the pain?
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Ouch!
It's time to share this week's Top 5 Cutting Remarks
#5 Top Cutting Remark of the Week
A newspaper article about the travel trend being called the "babymoon" that went something like this: "Once the territory of honeymooners, empty-nesters and those otherwise unencumbered by little ones, tropical travel destinations are finding a new - unexpected - market: expectant parents."
Me: "The one thing we infertiles had was the ability to follow our wanderlust at will. Now the breeders want to claim that, too."
#4 Top Cutting Remark of the Week
Hubby's Coworker to me: "I hear you guys had a great trip to Spain. You know, you wouldn't be able to go places like that if you'd decided to have kids."
Me: "Um, yeah."
#3 Top Cutting Remark of the Week
Hubby to sister-in-law (visiting from their new home out of state): "Now that you're settled into your new house, are you giving any thought to having kids?"
Sister-in-law: "Are you kidding? I'm 40 now. It's much too late for that!"
#2 Top Cutting Remark of the Week:
Hubby to me: "So what are you getting me for Father's Day?"
Me: (Silence accompanied by glaring look)
Hubby: Oh…sorry.
And the #1 Top Cutting Remark of the Week:
Hubby: "We really should have tried 10 years ago."
Happy father's day, ya know?
#5 Top Cutting Remark of the Week
A newspaper article about the travel trend being called the "babymoon" that went something like this: "Once the territory of honeymooners, empty-nesters and those otherwise unencumbered by little ones, tropical travel destinations are finding a new - unexpected - market: expectant parents."
Me: "The one thing we infertiles had was the ability to follow our wanderlust at will. Now the breeders want to claim that, too."
#4 Top Cutting Remark of the Week
Hubby's Coworker to me: "I hear you guys had a great trip to Spain. You know, you wouldn't be able to go places like that if you'd decided to have kids."
Me: "Um, yeah."
#3 Top Cutting Remark of the Week
Hubby to sister-in-law (visiting from their new home out of state): "Now that you're settled into your new house, are you giving any thought to having kids?"
Sister-in-law: "Are you kidding? I'm 40 now. It's much too late for that!"
#2 Top Cutting Remark of the Week:
Hubby to me: "So what are you getting me for Father's Day?"
Me: (Silence accompanied by glaring look)
Hubby: Oh…sorry.
And the #1 Top Cutting Remark of the Week:
Hubby: "We really should have tried 10 years ago."
Happy father's day, ya know?
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Not just talking to myself!
OMG, I have readers!
When I started this blog, I didn't do much to get other people to read it. Therefore, I didn't think anyone was really out there reading. Thinking I was only talking to myself, I felt unmotivated to post very often.
I just cleaned out my cookies, and came over to my blog to discover...someone has been reading after all!
To Patricia, Avonlea, Donna, Inspring - I'm sorry I never acknowledged any of your comments. I just today discovered them on my blog. I will catch up to each of you eventually, once I stop by your own blogs to learn a little about each of you.
And now, I think I'll start posting more, now that I know I'm not just talking to myself!
When I started this blog, I didn't do much to get other people to read it. Therefore, I didn't think anyone was really out there reading. Thinking I was only talking to myself, I felt unmotivated to post very often.
I just cleaned out my cookies, and came over to my blog to discover...someone has been reading after all!
To Patricia, Avonlea, Donna, Inspring - I'm sorry I never acknowledged any of your comments. I just today discovered them on my blog. I will catch up to each of you eventually, once I stop by your own blogs to learn a little about each of you.
And now, I think I'll start posting more, now that I know I'm not just talking to myself!
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Mother's Day
I'm really sad today. I should not be.
My mother is still living, and for that I should be rejoicing, and I am. Granted, she lives almost 700 miles away and I can't be with her today, but I haven't been able to spend a Mother's Day with her for over 20 years.
My mother-in-law is still living. She's even farther away, and we haven't seen her for Mother's Day in probably 15 years, either. But, as mothers-in-law go, she's a pretty good one and I should be happy today that she raised her son to be the good man he is, and that she is the good woman she is.
And I'm not a mother today. But, I haven't been a mother for 44 years. I should be used to the non-event feeling of this "holiday" by now.
But, having finally given up on trying to conceive just a month ago, there's a fresh wound that's bleeding within my heart today.
My mother is still living, and for that I should be rejoicing, and I am. Granted, she lives almost 700 miles away and I can't be with her today, but I haven't been able to spend a Mother's Day with her for over 20 years.
My mother-in-law is still living. She's even farther away, and we haven't seen her for Mother's Day in probably 15 years, either. But, as mothers-in-law go, she's a pretty good one and I should be happy today that she raised her son to be the good man he is, and that she is the good woman she is.
And I'm not a mother today. But, I haven't been a mother for 44 years. I should be used to the non-event feeling of this "holiday" by now.
But, having finally given up on trying to conceive just a month ago, there's a fresh wound that's bleeding within my heart today.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
No fool like an old fool
On April Fools' Day, I stopped fooling myself.
That's the day I declared I've put trying to conceive behind me. It was really more of a reality check than anything else. After all, I could keep trying and hope to be one of those women you hear about who have healthy babies at age 45 (or beyond). But for every one of those, there are perhaps thousands of women who aren't conceiving (whether they want to or not) even though they are having unprotected sex at the right time of the month.
What it came down to is that the monthly two-week-wait was taking away any feeling I had of being carefree in my life. The wondering, the waiting, the being careful not to have alcohol or to lift anything too heavy or exercise too hard. I had stopped living my life to enjoy it, and found myself in a constant state of trying to achieve a goal that has huge odds stacked against me. I just couldn't bear the burden any longer of that two-week-wait that inevitably ends in disappointment each month. And if I actually were to end up pregnant, then I'd just be facing a new set of fears and anxieties over the pregnancy itself. And if I managed to actually pull off a successful pregnancy, then there would be all the fears and anxieties over raising a child. Talk about losing the ability to be carefree!
Of course, I'm not foolish enough to think this is all it will take to be truly carefree. In reality, an adult's life is never truly carefree. But perhaps I can use this mental energy toward a goal that I can actually achieve.
Today I am entering my first "fertile" period since April 1. Will I be able to ignore the drive to "TTC"? Who knows - but who cares? One thing I will NOT do regardless of what happens is live the next two weeks for anyone but ME.
That's the day I declared I've put trying to conceive behind me. It was really more of a reality check than anything else. After all, I could keep trying and hope to be one of those women you hear about who have healthy babies at age 45 (or beyond). But for every one of those, there are perhaps thousands of women who aren't conceiving (whether they want to or not) even though they are having unprotected sex at the right time of the month.
What it came down to is that the monthly two-week-wait was taking away any feeling I had of being carefree in my life. The wondering, the waiting, the being careful not to have alcohol or to lift anything too heavy or exercise too hard. I had stopped living my life to enjoy it, and found myself in a constant state of trying to achieve a goal that has huge odds stacked against me. I just couldn't bear the burden any longer of that two-week-wait that inevitably ends in disappointment each month. And if I actually were to end up pregnant, then I'd just be facing a new set of fears and anxieties over the pregnancy itself. And if I managed to actually pull off a successful pregnancy, then there would be all the fears and anxieties over raising a child. Talk about losing the ability to be carefree!
Of course, I'm not foolish enough to think this is all it will take to be truly carefree. In reality, an adult's life is never truly carefree. But perhaps I can use this mental energy toward a goal that I can actually achieve.
Today I am entering my first "fertile" period since April 1. Will I be able to ignore the drive to "TTC"? Who knows - but who cares? One thing I will NOT do regardless of what happens is live the next two weeks for anyone but ME.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Paying it forward still not easy decision
I myself am an adoptee. You would think that it would be an easy decision for me to want to adopt myself. You know, pay it forward, so to speak. But, it's something I just don't feel driven to do. My husband would not have a problem with adopting, but me -- the adoptee -- would. Go figure. It's hard to put my finger on why, but here are some of the reasons I've come up with so far. Feel free to poke holes in any or all of them.
1.) At age 44, I'm starting to get the usual aches and pains in my ankles, knees and shoulders. By the time an adoption would be finalized, I'm not sure I would be able to go right to picking up a 15-20 lb. child and carrying her around without hurting myself. At least if I had a newborn, I would be starting with about 8 lbs. and gradually working up to the weight as the child grew. Is it true that at my age, one is just too old to be a new parent?
2.) There's no question that both Hubby and I would have to continue working full time and our child would have to be in daycare for about 10 hours a day. I wouldn't feel right about going through everything needed to complete an adoption and then just putting the kid in a daycare setting for up to 50 hours a week. And what would this do with regards to the attachment issues you sometimes hear about with international adoptions?
3.) Although I don't believe in a god who controls fate and influences outcomes, I do wonder if there are some people who just aren't meant to be parents. And if that plan might not include Hubby and I. I think about my own parents, who lovingly adopted me and certainly did the best they could. But my mom has had life-long anxiety problems. My dad is an alcoholic. They weren't horrible parents, but often I wonder if their fertility issues (issues that would be so easily solved in this day and age) were part of some Master Plan in the cosmos that were meant to keep them from raising children. Maybe Hubby and I are in that part of the Master Plan, too. Which is a good segue into my next point...
4.) For so many years, I wanted nothing to do with the idea of having kids. So shouldn't I face the fact that I made my true choice early on and live with that decision? In other words, I made my bed, now it's time to lie in it.
5.) Trying to get and stay pregnant has been an emotional roller coaster. So tired...I'm ready to get off this ride. I'm not sure I could handle getting on a different roller coaster right now. From some of the blogs I've been reading, the adoption roller coaster sounds even worse than the infertility roller coaster. I just don't think I have the emotional strength for that right now. Don't know if I ever will.
Too tired, even, to go on further. In anyone knows how to poke sufficient holes in the above arguments, I'm open to hearing them.
1.) At age 44, I'm starting to get the usual aches and pains in my ankles, knees and shoulders. By the time an adoption would be finalized, I'm not sure I would be able to go right to picking up a 15-20 lb. child and carrying her around without hurting myself. At least if I had a newborn, I would be starting with about 8 lbs. and gradually working up to the weight as the child grew. Is it true that at my age, one is just too old to be a new parent?
2.) There's no question that both Hubby and I would have to continue working full time and our child would have to be in daycare for about 10 hours a day. I wouldn't feel right about going through everything needed to complete an adoption and then just putting the kid in a daycare setting for up to 50 hours a week. And what would this do with regards to the attachment issues you sometimes hear about with international adoptions?
3.) Although I don't believe in a god who controls fate and influences outcomes, I do wonder if there are some people who just aren't meant to be parents. And if that plan might not include Hubby and I. I think about my own parents, who lovingly adopted me and certainly did the best they could. But my mom has had life-long anxiety problems. My dad is an alcoholic. They weren't horrible parents, but often I wonder if their fertility issues (issues that would be so easily solved in this day and age) were part of some Master Plan in the cosmos that were meant to keep them from raising children. Maybe Hubby and I are in that part of the Master Plan, too. Which is a good segue into my next point...
4.) For so many years, I wanted nothing to do with the idea of having kids. So shouldn't I face the fact that I made my true choice early on and live with that decision? In other words, I made my bed, now it's time to lie in it.
5.) Trying to get and stay pregnant has been an emotional roller coaster. So tired...I'm ready to get off this ride. I'm not sure I could handle getting on a different roller coaster right now. From some of the blogs I've been reading, the adoption roller coaster sounds even worse than the infertility roller coaster. I just don't think I have the emotional strength for that right now. Don't know if I ever will.
Too tired, even, to go on further. In anyone knows how to poke sufficient holes in the above arguments, I'm open to hearing them.
