Sunday, March 12, 2006
Paying it forward still not easy decision
I myself am an adoptee. You would think that it would be an easy decision for me to want to adopt myself. You know, pay it forward, so to speak. But, it's something I just don't feel driven to do. My husband would not have a problem with adopting, but me -- the adoptee -- would. Go figure. It's hard to put my finger on why, but here are some of the reasons I've come up with so far. Feel free to poke holes in any or all of them.
1.) At age 44, I'm starting to get the usual aches and pains in my ankles, knees and shoulders. By the time an adoption would be finalized, I'm not sure I would be able to go right to picking up a 15-20 lb. child and carrying her around without hurting myself. At least if I had a newborn, I would be starting with about 8 lbs. and gradually working up to the weight as the child grew. Is it true that at my age, one is just too old to be a new parent?
2.) There's no question that both Hubby and I would have to continue working full time and our child would have to be in daycare for about 10 hours a day. I wouldn't feel right about going through everything needed to complete an adoption and then just putting the kid in a daycare setting for up to 50 hours a week. And what would this do with regards to the attachment issues you sometimes hear about with international adoptions?
3.) Although I don't believe in a god who controls fate and influences outcomes, I do wonder if there are some people who just aren't meant to be parents. And if that plan might not include Hubby and I. I think about my own parents, who lovingly adopted me and certainly did the best they could. But my mom has had life-long anxiety problems. My dad is an alcoholic. They weren't horrible parents, but often I wonder if their fertility issues (issues that would be so easily solved in this day and age) were part of some Master Plan in the cosmos that were meant to keep them from raising children. Maybe Hubby and I are in that part of the Master Plan, too. Which is a good segue into my next point...
4.) For so many years, I wanted nothing to do with the idea of having kids. So shouldn't I face the fact that I made my true choice early on and live with that decision? In other words, I made my bed, now it's time to lie in it.
5.) Trying to get and stay pregnant has been an emotional roller coaster. So tired...I'm ready to get off this ride. I'm not sure I could handle getting on a different roller coaster right now. From some of the blogs I've been reading, the adoption roller coaster sounds even worse than the infertility roller coaster. I just don't think I have the emotional strength for that right now. Don't know if I ever will.
Too tired, even, to go on further. In anyone knows how to poke sufficient holes in the above arguments, I'm open to hearing them.
1.) At age 44, I'm starting to get the usual aches and pains in my ankles, knees and shoulders. By the time an adoption would be finalized, I'm not sure I would be able to go right to picking up a 15-20 lb. child and carrying her around without hurting myself. At least if I had a newborn, I would be starting with about 8 lbs. and gradually working up to the weight as the child grew. Is it true that at my age, one is just too old to be a new parent?
2.) There's no question that both Hubby and I would have to continue working full time and our child would have to be in daycare for about 10 hours a day. I wouldn't feel right about going through everything needed to complete an adoption and then just putting the kid in a daycare setting for up to 50 hours a week. And what would this do with regards to the attachment issues you sometimes hear about with international adoptions?
3.) Although I don't believe in a god who controls fate and influences outcomes, I do wonder if there are some people who just aren't meant to be parents. And if that plan might not include Hubby and I. I think about my own parents, who lovingly adopted me and certainly did the best they could. But my mom has had life-long anxiety problems. My dad is an alcoholic. They weren't horrible parents, but often I wonder if their fertility issues (issues that would be so easily solved in this day and age) were part of some Master Plan in the cosmos that were meant to keep them from raising children. Maybe Hubby and I are in that part of the Master Plan, too. Which is a good segue into my next point...
4.) For so many years, I wanted nothing to do with the idea of having kids. So shouldn't I face the fact that I made my true choice early on and live with that decision? In other words, I made my bed, now it's time to lie in it.
5.) Trying to get and stay pregnant has been an emotional roller coaster. So tired...I'm ready to get off this ride. I'm not sure I could handle getting on a different roller coaster right now. From some of the blogs I've been reading, the adoption roller coaster sounds even worse than the infertility roller coaster. I just don't think I have the emotional strength for that right now. Don't know if I ever will.
Too tired, even, to go on further. In anyone knows how to poke sufficient holes in the above arguments, I'm open to hearing them.
# posted by Martian1 @ 8:32 AM 
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I found your blog through Chris's (barefoot and...) and jumped over here because I am always curious to hear from other adoptees considering adoption.
I am not adopting, but would like to, despite going through lots of reservations myself. For more on my opinions you can visit me there.
But in terms of your questions, I'll jump right in.
1) Age. As I quote endlessly on my blog, my grandmother had my father at 46, and in fact had five boys between 36 and 46. She was of a generation where women never really stopped having babies. ( She was born in 1882). My sister-in-law had her second 3 months shy of her 44th birthday. Anyways, you are not too old, unless of course, you feel too old.
2) Is there any possibility that you could do a four day a week schedule? Or even find a new job that allowed for that. I work in a field where if is unusual to do that, and yet I do. I also know of lawyers and marketing managers that do the same. This usually means about 4 days of day care and 3 days at home.
It's actually a big shift to a lot more time spent with a kid.
3) In my humble opinion I don't think there is any master plan for anything. There is only chaos and what we make of it. I certainly believe that I was not destined to have four miscarriages.
4) People change their minds. It's healthy.
5) I think adoption is a different kind of emotional roller coaster, you're right. However the odds that you will the ride will end with a child in your lap, are vastly different than those in the fertility roller coaster.
I didn't really mean to poke holes. It's just a perspective.
I am not adopting, but would like to, despite going through lots of reservations myself. For more on my opinions you can visit me there.
But in terms of your questions, I'll jump right in.
1) Age. As I quote endlessly on my blog, my grandmother had my father at 46, and in fact had five boys between 36 and 46. She was of a generation where women never really stopped having babies. ( She was born in 1882). My sister-in-law had her second 3 months shy of her 44th birthday. Anyways, you are not too old, unless of course, you feel too old.
2) Is there any possibility that you could do a four day a week schedule? Or even find a new job that allowed for that. I work in a field where if is unusual to do that, and yet I do. I also know of lawyers and marketing managers that do the same. This usually means about 4 days of day care and 3 days at home.
It's actually a big shift to a lot more time spent with a kid.
3) In my humble opinion I don't think there is any master plan for anything. There is only chaos and what we make of it. I certainly believe that I was not destined to have four miscarriages.
4) People change their minds. It's healthy.
5) I think adoption is a different kind of emotional roller coaster, you're right. However the odds that you will the ride will end with a child in your lap, are vastly different than those in the fertility roller coaster.
I didn't really mean to poke holes. It's just a perspective.
# posted by 
: 3:34 PM
: 3:34 PM
It's okay to want an infant, you don't have to justify that. Daycare can be a positive experience for young children. It seems to me that the time they really need parents home is when they're young teens.
Here are thoughts on adoption - the process takes a while, you could get some hand weights and build up strength. You could adopt an older waiting child. You can adopt an African American infant quite quickly and easily, people are coming to the US to adopt AA infants because there are not enough homes for them here. Attachment issues tend to occur more in some countries than others it depends on the level of care. There are a lot of great books on how to address the issue. It occurs more frequently with older waiting (7+) children who grew up in orphanages.
I read a staggering statistic the other day, women age 45 or older who can manage to convieve (which is still very rare with or without ART), have a 90% change of miscarriage, however, if they use donor eggs, the chance of miscarriage is about the same as the donor's.
I'm 42 and I couldn't even do IVF because I was such a poor responder. My choices were DE or adoption, I decided on adoption, but having a very bad wrist myself, I actually had the same thought as you - I'm using hand weights and I'm carrying around my little dog as often as possible.
I'm a lawyer and I work long hours too, I just know I'll find a way to make it all work.
I have also had the not meant to be / evolutionary thoughts too - I'm okay with my genes not continuing, that seems right to me given my family... but I know I will be a great mother.
You'll find your path too.
Here are thoughts on adoption - the process takes a while, you could get some hand weights and build up strength. You could adopt an older waiting child. You can adopt an African American infant quite quickly and easily, people are coming to the US to adopt AA infants because there are not enough homes for them here. Attachment issues tend to occur more in some countries than others it depends on the level of care. There are a lot of great books on how to address the issue. It occurs more frequently with older waiting (7+) children who grew up in orphanages.
I read a staggering statistic the other day, women age 45 or older who can manage to convieve (which is still very rare with or without ART), have a 90% change of miscarriage, however, if they use donor eggs, the chance of miscarriage is about the same as the donor's.
I'm 42 and I couldn't even do IVF because I was such a poor responder. My choices were DE or adoption, I decided on adoption, but having a very bad wrist myself, I actually had the same thought as you - I'm using hand weights and I'm carrying around my little dog as often as possible.
I'm a lawyer and I work long hours too, I just know I'll find a way to make it all work.
I have also had the not meant to be / evolutionary thoughts too - I'm okay with my genes not continuing, that seems right to me given my family... but I know I will be a great mother.
You'll find your path too.
# posted by : 6:31 PM
: 6:31 PM
Wow, the more I read the more I feel you are a kindred spirit. I'm not adopted, but my husband and I have decided not to pursue this route and will remain childless. All of your points are valid, but only you know how to answer them for yourself. I never wanted kids until I met my current husband, then went through a 5 year flurry of trying and failing, so we're right back where we started. Which isn't such a bad place to be.
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