Sunday, December 31, 2006
Closing the Door on an Unfortunate Year
We've come full circle. A year ago today, I sat here and typed a good riddance to 2005. Little did I know that 2006 would become the worst year of my life. At least, the worst year yet.
In my last entry, I was about to undergo a D&C. That was only one of a series of unfortunate events that consumed the latter months of '06.
The same day I wrote my last post, my mom called with news that my dad had fallen and was so weak he had to be hospitalized. It was the beginning of the end for him, and ended up being the last day he would ever be in his own home. He spent the next couple of months going between the hospital and a nursing home. The end came for him 11 weeks later, when he died at 12:25 a.m. on Friday, Oct. 20.
But, that was not the only unfortunate event in the second half of my 2006. My husband (unsuccessfully) attempted to have an affair with a neighbor. This happened on Sept. 11, a date that all of us remember for obvious reasons, but now I have an extra reason that this day will live in infamy in my memory. Maybe I'll post more about this incident and why I believe he did what he did some day, but for the moment, suffice it to say that for various reasons, I have forgiven him. It boils down to the fact that I need him in my life too much. And to be honest, I can sort of relate to why he did what he did. Still, there's a wound in my heart that hasn't entirely healed and maybe never will.
Another unfortunate event that closed 2006: My dad's illness and death accelerated mental problems my mom had been having, related to dementia and anxiety. It's become clear that she can no longer live on her own. She's still living in her remote and rural town, 600 miles away from me, but in the residential care facility connected with the nursing home my dad was in. As much as she wants to go back to her house and believes she will do just that soon, she has to stay in some sort of assisted living situation. And for the time being, that situation is the residential care facility. It's not a perfect solution, but for now it will have to do while I explore other options. No, one of those options does NOT include having her move in with us. But now I find myself in the position of the parent and she is the child, while I manage her affairs long distance.
We also had some minor health scares with both of my in-laws. In comparison, nothing serious, and if they keep going like they're going, they will continue to live healthy for years to come. But I know what we went through with my dad is something we'll have to go through three more times. I suppose we've been fortunate to have had all four of our parents for as long as we did...most people our age lost at least one of their parents and/or in-laws years earlier...but it was stressful enough that I hope we don't go through this again any time soon.
And of course, there was my miscarriage that contributed to the foul nature of the year as well. I'm trying to recall those feelings of why I didn't want kids all those years so that I may never again feel longings to be a parent. I'm not a religious person. If I was, I might be tempted to say that a higher power has given me my mom to care for instead of a baby. Because I'm not religious, we won't even go there.
I could say that I have my job and my health to be thankful for. Except there are issues in both of those camps as well. Earlier this month, my company announced the cuts of 120 jobs. Mine wasn't one of them, but I can envision a scenario down the road in which I could be eliminated. My husband wants me to get my resume out there now, but after close to two decades with the same company, I have benefits of longevity on the job that would be difficult to give up. I get almost five weeks of vacation a year...I don't think I could ever go back to just two or three, at least not until I had to by force. Even more importantly, I feel the position I have right now truly is the right fit for me. The thought of moving on is difficult.
And as for my health, I had an inner ear problem that plagued me from late October until just a couple of weeks ago. It's possible it was even a psychomatic reaction to all the stress I faced from August onward. But now that that has cleared up, I find myself with different problems in the form of aches and pains in my joints and muscles that are making me wonder what else is going on in my body that could be a sign of serious illness. It could be the onset of arthristis, but it's seemed to come on so suddenly. Hopefully nothing more than additional psychomatic stress reactions, but this will bear watching over the next several weeks.
So, that was my Horrible 2006 in Review. I opened this posting by saying it was my worst year yet. I think I've come to understand that after a certain age, we no longer have long runs of time where everything is wonderful, followed by brief bursts of misery. I think misery becomes more frequent and expected, and the sign of maturity is being able to take it as it gets dished out. The interesting thing about my father's passing is that it gave me something tangile to be sad about, and everyone around me expected me to be sad. It was kind of freeing in a way, this opportunity for public sadness.
So, on this New Year's Eve, I do not close the door on an awful year with the optimism that next year will be so much better. No, I close the door on an awful year, and open the door to 2007 with the wisdom that I (hope I) will be able to muster the strength to tackle what lies ahead. It may not be pretty, but it will be what it is.
In my last entry, I was about to undergo a D&C. That was only one of a series of unfortunate events that consumed the latter months of '06.
The same day I wrote my last post, my mom called with news that my dad had fallen and was so weak he had to be hospitalized. It was the beginning of the end for him, and ended up being the last day he would ever be in his own home. He spent the next couple of months going between the hospital and a nursing home. The end came for him 11 weeks later, when he died at 12:25 a.m. on Friday, Oct. 20.
But, that was not the only unfortunate event in the second half of my 2006. My husband (unsuccessfully) attempted to have an affair with a neighbor. This happened on Sept. 11, a date that all of us remember for obvious reasons, but now I have an extra reason that this day will live in infamy in my memory. Maybe I'll post more about this incident and why I believe he did what he did some day, but for the moment, suffice it to say that for various reasons, I have forgiven him. It boils down to the fact that I need him in my life too much. And to be honest, I can sort of relate to why he did what he did. Still, there's a wound in my heart that hasn't entirely healed and maybe never will.
Another unfortunate event that closed 2006: My dad's illness and death accelerated mental problems my mom had been having, related to dementia and anxiety. It's become clear that she can no longer live on her own. She's still living in her remote and rural town, 600 miles away from me, but in the residential care facility connected with the nursing home my dad was in. As much as she wants to go back to her house and believes she will do just that soon, she has to stay in some sort of assisted living situation. And for the time being, that situation is the residential care facility. It's not a perfect solution, but for now it will have to do while I explore other options. No, one of those options does NOT include having her move in with us. But now I find myself in the position of the parent and she is the child, while I manage her affairs long distance.
We also had some minor health scares with both of my in-laws. In comparison, nothing serious, and if they keep going like they're going, they will continue to live healthy for years to come. But I know what we went through with my dad is something we'll have to go through three more times. I suppose we've been fortunate to have had all four of our parents for as long as we did...most people our age lost at least one of their parents and/or in-laws years earlier...but it was stressful enough that I hope we don't go through this again any time soon.
And of course, there was my miscarriage that contributed to the foul nature of the year as well. I'm trying to recall those feelings of why I didn't want kids all those years so that I may never again feel longings to be a parent. I'm not a religious person. If I was, I might be tempted to say that a higher power has given me my mom to care for instead of a baby. Because I'm not religious, we won't even go there.
I could say that I have my job and my health to be thankful for. Except there are issues in both of those camps as well. Earlier this month, my company announced the cuts of 120 jobs. Mine wasn't one of them, but I can envision a scenario down the road in which I could be eliminated. My husband wants me to get my resume out there now, but after close to two decades with the same company, I have benefits of longevity on the job that would be difficult to give up. I get almost five weeks of vacation a year...I don't think I could ever go back to just two or three, at least not until I had to by force. Even more importantly, I feel the position I have right now truly is the right fit for me. The thought of moving on is difficult.
And as for my health, I had an inner ear problem that plagued me from late October until just a couple of weeks ago. It's possible it was even a psychomatic reaction to all the stress I faced from August onward. But now that that has cleared up, I find myself with different problems in the form of aches and pains in my joints and muscles that are making me wonder what else is going on in my body that could be a sign of serious illness. It could be the onset of arthristis, but it's seemed to come on so suddenly. Hopefully nothing more than additional psychomatic stress reactions, but this will bear watching over the next several weeks.
So, that was my Horrible 2006 in Review. I opened this posting by saying it was my worst year yet. I think I've come to understand that after a certain age, we no longer have long runs of time where everything is wonderful, followed by brief bursts of misery. I think misery becomes more frequent and expected, and the sign of maturity is being able to take it as it gets dished out. The interesting thing about my father's passing is that it gave me something tangile to be sad about, and everyone around me expected me to be sad. It was kind of freeing in a way, this opportunity for public sadness.
So, on this New Year's Eve, I do not close the door on an awful year with the optimism that next year will be so much better. No, I close the door on an awful year, and open the door to 2007 with the wisdom that I (hope I) will be able to muster the strength to tackle what lies ahead. It may not be pretty, but it will be what it is.
