Tuesday, April 25, 2006
No fool like an old fool
On April Fools' Day, I stopped fooling myself.
That's the day I declared I've put trying to conceive behind me. It was really more of a reality check than anything else. After all, I could keep trying and hope to be one of those women you hear about who have healthy babies at age 45 (or beyond). But for every one of those, there are perhaps thousands of women who aren't conceiving (whether they want to or not) even though they are having unprotected sex at the right time of the month.
What it came down to is that the monthly two-week-wait was taking away any feeling I had of being carefree in my life. The wondering, the waiting, the being careful not to have alcohol or to lift anything too heavy or exercise too hard. I had stopped living my life to enjoy it, and found myself in a constant state of trying to achieve a goal that has huge odds stacked against me. I just couldn't bear the burden any longer of that two-week-wait that inevitably ends in disappointment each month. And if I actually were to end up pregnant, then I'd just be facing a new set of fears and anxieties over the pregnancy itself. And if I managed to actually pull off a successful pregnancy, then there would be all the fears and anxieties over raising a child. Talk about losing the ability to be carefree!
Of course, I'm not foolish enough to think this is all it will take to be truly carefree. In reality, an adult's life is never truly carefree. But perhaps I can use this mental energy toward a goal that I can actually achieve.
Today I am entering my first "fertile" period since April 1. Will I be able to ignore the drive to "TTC"? Who knows - but who cares? One thing I will NOT do regardless of what happens is live the next two weeks for anyone but ME.
That's the day I declared I've put trying to conceive behind me. It was really more of a reality check than anything else. After all, I could keep trying and hope to be one of those women you hear about who have healthy babies at age 45 (or beyond). But for every one of those, there are perhaps thousands of women who aren't conceiving (whether they want to or not) even though they are having unprotected sex at the right time of the month.
What it came down to is that the monthly two-week-wait was taking away any feeling I had of being carefree in my life. The wondering, the waiting, the being careful not to have alcohol or to lift anything too heavy or exercise too hard. I had stopped living my life to enjoy it, and found myself in a constant state of trying to achieve a goal that has huge odds stacked against me. I just couldn't bear the burden any longer of that two-week-wait that inevitably ends in disappointment each month. And if I actually were to end up pregnant, then I'd just be facing a new set of fears and anxieties over the pregnancy itself. And if I managed to actually pull off a successful pregnancy, then there would be all the fears and anxieties over raising a child. Talk about losing the ability to be carefree!
Of course, I'm not foolish enough to think this is all it will take to be truly carefree. In reality, an adult's life is never truly carefree. But perhaps I can use this mental energy toward a goal that I can actually achieve.
Today I am entering my first "fertile" period since April 1. Will I be able to ignore the drive to "TTC"? Who knows - but who cares? One thing I will NOT do regardless of what happens is live the next two weeks for anyone but ME.
